Friday, December 4, 2009

I'm just a little girl....

It has been so long since I wrote I can't even pretend to get caught up. I have however hurt my back really bad and the lawyer won't even call me back on my disability for being crazy...I tried to go to sleep tonight and just can't. I usually love to sleep. I turned the light out and just started crying and this came in my head....

I am just a little girl, in a great big soft bed,
In a ton of pain, and all alone
The pain never only changes
I finally know what's real tho....
But real is way to hard to handle
I liked my old, crazy, fun, colorful world
I don't like what's real, there is to much pain
All the pretty colors are gone now
Maybe they were never real
But the pain is real
Jake is real.
But I can't take care of him, I can't take care of me
That's real and the pain is real
I'm just a little girl, in a great big soft bed
All alone, and in pain that's real

Wow....I just needed to send this out in the corked bottle into the ocean.....catch

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Ups and downs....but land on the UPS

Hi Me,

I had a very interesting weekend, to say the least! I went camping at a gorgeous lake in the woods. Great swimming! I love to swim in a lake! I love to laugh and swim and dance and play. There was a sister of a good friend their, she is married to an abusive, loud, alcoholic.....He made such a fool of himself in front of all of us and his children. I hated to see how the attitudes of her brother and her children changed. She has dealt with it for 20 years now. Nobody deserves to be treated like he treats his family. They are very good people! I am trying to get in touch with her to tell her I will always be their for her. If she needs a place to run away to, emotional support, what ever it takes. I feel her pain so intensely. My heart broke for her and the kids this weekend.

The rest of the camping was great! A boat, the lake, the tent, the dog....he got to swim for the second time, he fetched a water bottle in the lake for hours, he slept the whole next day.

I felt heavy, like there is a lot of weight on my bones for the first time. Maybe it was the weightlessness of the lake compared to the weight on the ground. I feel heavy and not able to move.

Worked on Mon and Tue. Came home sick on Mon...nausea...migraine. The heat is getting to me. It is well over 100. Ouch....I don't like it past 80.

For the last week or so I feel soooo heavy. I can't explain it. I haven't been able to walk with the that making that much of a difference? YES IT IS!!! I went to and did some Pilate's videos....They are so hard. I am really fat and I can't do some of the bends and positions they get into. I did the laying down ones on my bed. I did the ones for my core...cause let me tell you my core stinks! I carry a lot of my weight their. I did several videos tho. I DID THEM!! I did a sitting at your desk one for your core also. It was great! I wondered as I was doing them...Who am I, that I can't do these moves? How did this happen? How long have I been this way? It was almost like I am waking up and seeing me for the first time. Very strange experience! I now feel better and have a better energy about me. I feel stronger. I like to feel strong! Empowered and powerful! Just from this little bit. They are short..3-10 min videos that I did. I finished dishes, shook rugs, cleaned and vacuumed..Awesome.

I am trying to get financial help to join the YMCA (don't yah just want to sing to that?) AHHHH that dance is Pilate's...think about it!

I am trying...NO-NO-NO- I will keep moving! I will eat healthy. I am strong. I am going to go finish the floors.


Thursday, July 23, 2009


Wow, I feel bad, it is not even hormones. It is hot out. I am stressed, the sun is in my eyes, blah, blah blah. I have a million excuses. I don't feel good. I never feel good. I worked 4 hours in a new position today at work. Big deal. The anxiety overwhelmed me. I should of just taken a nap. I didn't want to cause I am sick of napping. I want to move and go and do. Instead I ate, 2 fudge bars, zingers, nachos, strawberries, bacon eggs and hash browns. Then I fell asleep on the couch anyway. I don't know why I feel sick!? I eat until I hurt. I just eat and eat. Why?

It is way to hot to go for a walk. I am overwhelmed in the work I have to do, paperwork...3 projects....Sewing. I need the money. Eating didn't answer any of these problems tho. It actually compounded them cause now I feel even sicker. These are just everyday normal problems. Everyone has them. I want to move on with my life. Why don't I?

I am putting on weight. I am in such pain all the time because of my weight. I am in pain trying to pretend I am OK. I AM NOT OK. I have mental pain that I make into physical pain. I must stop. I must stop.

There is a lot of info out right now on pain. Michael Jackson did surgeries and drugs to kill his pain. Elvis did drugs and ate his pain away. What do you do with pain?

Put it in a box and sink it in a lake.

I will be better next time I write.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Take it when you can get it

Whew...I am very proud of myself!! I worked today, panicked several times, thinking I forgot something or I screwed something up, felling like I did something wrong. I didn't. Just negative chatter in my head and bad words I heard a lifetime ago. I made it tho. I survived, and I even helped out at a branch. I stayed in the back, but I worked my butt off.

I ate healthy even tho I had to eat on the run. I walked the dog when I got home. I didn't walk nearly as far as I normally do...I flat out didn't want to go. It's just a walk...Do it. I am sooo tired and overwhelmed from being out, but I told myself all day today how much easier everything is if you are thinner, healthier. Sitting behind the wheel of a van, sitting at a desk, going to the bathroom, finding cloths to wear to work...everything is easier if you are not huge.

I did good today!! I did good today!!

Thank you


Friday, July 10, 2009

I am trying as hard as I can

That is all anyone can ask of themselves or anyone else for that matter. Try as hard as you can. I am trying to focus writing this on weight loss and being positive. Yaw, I failed. I haven't been able to write because I have been letting the negative chatter get the best of me.

I want to work. I like to work. I have been a hard worker my whole life. I like physical, mathematical, creative, fun work. I like digging ditches. I just like to work. I don't know if I can mentally handle the challenge of work. I work 10 hours a week. I become so overwhelmed everyday after work from pretending to be....what....sane?.....I am not that different from other people.....happy?.....I am pretty happy....maybe I am not pretending.....I have anxiety....some days very severe. I need to shut up in my bedroom and sleep....sometimes for 4 hours after work....I just start hurting, all over, my muscles, my brain, everything. I sleep... and when I wake up I am OK. I usually can go to sleep that night no problem. I need to stop trying to be my old self. I think that person is gone. Maybe I need to be OK with the new one. I am still funny. I still like the outdoors.

I have to leave the grocery store quick so I can breath. Is that a bad thing? I like to drive...I always have. I have to, no, I will stop comparing myself to myself. I am jaded. It's OK. I am who I am. I have anxiety. I will do the best I can. I will look people in the eye and smile...big. Most are more screwed up than I am.

I will eat the best I can. I read on MSN front page today about a man who lost 400 lbs in 2 years. He had a personal trainer and he taught him to watch what he ate every other day, in the beginning...It would of been to overwhelming to think you could never have ice cream again.
My goal is to walk every other day.....To eat really good every other day, at least.

I will think of the positive and do the best I can. Just breath. Just breath. (Great Drew Barrymore line)


Sunday, July 5, 2009

I am full

I am full!! Its worth repeating. I am full!! I had an incredible experience today. I had the privilege of going to a textile art show today. I went with 5 of my friends. One of my friends was brought back to a time growing up. I saw her grow and swell with pride. I have never seen this in her before. She was proud of her heritage and who she came from. The other women I went with didn't get it completely. They did.... in various stages and depths. But not completely. It was one of the most emotional, thought provoking exhibits I have had the privilege to see. There was a movie about the artists and then Q & A with 5 of the artists. There was a man there that fought for these artists and their work to be seen. I admired him so much. He went against the grain for what he believed in. I admired them all so much. They had a faith that was so strong and so alive. They have so little materially and so much spiritually. Amazing, strong, humble, beautiful, women. I don't know what I admired more the art or the artist. Awesome! When we walked out of the museum there was a breeze...we both felt it....we both commented on was felt awesome. There is nothing more beautiful than the simplicity of creation and strength.

We all went to lunch 1st. M y blood sugar dropped bad. I ate a banana from a restaurant and was fine. I made a decent choice for lunch, we ordered 2 deserts and 5 forks. When I came home I found myself wanting to eat because that is what I do. But I feel full!! Gee... does this mean I am an emotional eater. Ha LOL I am craving good stuff tho.

I am blessed. I am happy. I am content.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Happy to be here


I am sooo happy to be back. Crazy things have been happening. I needed to refocus my life. Keeping it focused on the positive.

One of my main focuses and thus the reason for this blog is to loose weight. After all it is just weight! I have decided I want to get healthy no matter how crazy my life is going to get, I have discovered I feel better when I eat healthier. I have been doing a lot of research on eating RAW. Interesting concept. It sounds very healthy. I LOVE meat tho. What a dilemma. So I am going to do the best I can!

I watched a great video called "The beautiful Truth." A young boy from Alaska (which I have always wanted to visit!) went on a journey to see if cancer could be cured naturally. It appears it can! Thru juicing and very healthy eating.

Then I read a book by Carol Alt-gorgeous model from the 70's and 80's. She eats only RAW, she even eats meat...very interesting.

I am trying to focus on veggies. I am reading 2 cookbooks on eating RAW and 1 on gluten free sugar free.

I got too hot and too hungry today so I ate chocolate malted milk balls. But.....I ate a bunch of cherries also. The cherries were actually better that the chocolate. WHO AM I, WHO SAID THAT?!? What a concept.

I also have questions I need answered.....

I just love