I am trying as hard as I can

That is all anyone can ask of themselves or anyone else for that matter. Try as hard as you can. I am trying to focus writing this on weight loss and being positive. Yaw, I failed. I haven't been able to write because I have been letting the negative chatter get the best of me.

I want to work. I like to work. I have been a hard worker my whole life. I like physical, mathematical, creative, fun work. I like digging ditches. I just like to work. I don't know if I can mentally handle the challenge of work. I work 10 hours a week. I become so overwhelmed everyday after work from pretending to be....what....sane?.....I am not that different from other people.....happy?.....I am pretty happy....maybe I am not pretending.....I have anxiety....some days very severe. I need to shut up in my bedroom and sleep....sometimes for 4 hours after work....I just start hurting, all over, my muscles, my brain, everything. I sleep... and when I wake up I am OK. I usually can go to sleep that night no problem. I need to stop trying to be my old self. I think that person is gone. Maybe I need to be OK with the new one. I am still funny. I still like the outdoors.

I have to leave the grocery store quick so I can breath. Is that a bad thing? I like to drive...I always have. I have to, no, I will stop comparing myself to myself. I am jaded. It's OK. I am who I am. I have anxiety. I will do the best I can. I will look people in the eye and smile...big. Most are more screwed up than I am.

I will eat the best I can. I read on MSN front page today about a man who lost 400 lbs in 2 years. He had a personal trainer and he taught him to watch what he ate every other day, in the beginning...It would of been to overwhelming to think you could never have ice cream again.
My goal is to walk every other day.....To eat really good every other day, at least.

I will think of the positive and do the best I can. Just breath. Just breath. (Great Drew Barrymore line)

Kisses