What do you do with pain?

I am glad to be here!! I walked last night. Yeah!! I ate a healthy dinner after. Lean hamburger patty with cheese and broccoli, It was sooo good and satisfying!! Yeah!! "Baby steps Bob" (from the movie"What about Bob") I slept really great. Awesome dreams, they are so vivid and colorful and nonsensical. Fun.

Work was crazy....A girl I work with asked me if I would ever move back to my home state if I loose my house. I had told her about my past before. I don't think she remembered. When I told her a couple of things as to why I could never go back. She put her hands over her ears and shook her head and closed her eyes. I didn't mean to freak her out. I thought she knew. I was alone the rest of the morning in a quiet room. I sobbed all morning. The other girl came in and put music on...I still sobbed to myself. I went to the break room to nuke a snack from home. Tortilla and Jalapeno chs. Nummy!! There were chocolate truffles, they were yelling at me to eat them, they were coffee, I don't even like coffee!! I ate 10 of them at least. I have a friend who says she can eat 2 1/2 of them cause they are so rich. I forced my self to walk away. I am now wondering if I hurry my key pass to get in the door is good until 2.00. I am in such pain! I have felt sick since I talked to her. Life was so much easier when I was numb. Why am I doing this journey? Oh, yes, because I am so fat I am going to die. Ah, that is not a good enough reason. Why am I on this journey. The pain is intense! What can I do with the pain besides eat my self into a stooper. I have done that for years and it is not working anymore. Focus. On what? I don't know anything anymore.

I hope I walk today.

I am going to curl up under the covers and look at pictures in books on homes. I love to build things. Make things. Construct things. I wish I could afford to turn the heat on.

I love you! Who? I don't know.

Kisses