I'm just a little girl....

It has been so long since I wrote I can't even pretend to get caught up. I have however hurt my back really bad and the lawyer won't even call me back on my disability for being crazy...I tried to go to sleep tonight and just can't. I usually love to sleep. I turned the light out and just started crying and this came in my head....

I am just a little girl, in a great big soft bed,
In a ton of pain, and all alone
The pain never ends....it only changes
I finally know what's real tho....
But real is way to hard to handle
I liked my old, crazy, fun, colorful world
I don't like what's real, there is to much pain
All the pretty colors are gone now
Maybe they were never real
But the pain is real
Jake is real.
But I can't take care of him, I can't take care of me
That's real and the pain is real
I'm just a little girl, in a great big soft bed
All alone, and in pain that's real

Wow....I just needed to send this out in the corked bottle into the ocean.....catch

Ups and downs....but land on the UPS

Hi Me,

I had a very interesting weekend, to say the least! I went camping at a gorgeous lake in the woods. Great swimming! I love to swim in a lake! I love to laugh and swim and dance and play. There was a sister of a good friend their, she is married to an abusive, loud, alcoholic.....He made such a fool of himself in front of all of us and his children. I hated to see how the attitudes of her brother and her children changed. She has dealt with it for 20 years now. Nobody deserves to be treated like he treats his family. They are very good people! I am trying to get in touch with her to tell her I will always be their for her. If she needs a place to run away to, emotional support, what ever it takes. I feel her pain so intensely. My heart broke for her and the kids this weekend.

The rest of the camping was great! A boat, the lake, the tent, the dog....he got to swim for the second time, he fetched a water bottle in the lake for hours, he slept the whole next day.

I felt heavy, like there is a lot of weight on my bones for the first time. Maybe it was the weightlessness of the lake compared to the weight on the ground. I feel heavy and not able to move.

Worked on Mon and Tue. Came home sick on Mon...nausea...migraine. The heat is getting to me. It is well over 100. Ouch....I don't like it past 80.

For the last week or so I feel soooo heavy. I can't explain it. I haven't been able to walk with the dog....is that making that much of a difference? YES IT IS!!! I went to http://exercisetv.tv/ and did some Pilate's videos....They are so hard. I am really fat and I can't do some of the bends and positions they get into. I did the laying down ones on my bed. I did the ones for my core...cause let me tell you my core stinks! I carry a lot of my weight their. I did several videos tho. I DID THEM!! I did a sitting at your desk one for your core also. It was great! I wondered as I was doing them...Who am I, that I can't do these moves? How did this happen? How long have I been this way? It was almost like I am waking up and seeing me for the first time. Very strange experience! I now feel better and have a better energy about me. I feel stronger. I like to feel strong! Empowered and powerful! Just from this little bit. They are short..3-10 min videos that I did. I finished dishes, shook rugs, cleaned and vacuumed..Awesome.

I am trying to get financial help to join the YMCA (don't yah just want to sing to that?) AHHHH that dance is Pilate's...think about it!

I am trying...NO-NO-NO- I will keep moving! I will eat healthy. I am strong. I am going to go finish the floors.

Kisses

Help

Wow, I feel bad, it is not even hormones. It is hot out. I am stressed, the sun is in my eyes, blah, blah blah. I have a million excuses. I don't feel good. I never feel good. I worked 4 hours in a new position today at work. Big deal. The anxiety overwhelmed me. I should of just taken a nap. I didn't want to cause I am sick of napping. I want to move and go and do. Instead I ate, 2 fudge bars, zingers, nachos, strawberries, bacon eggs and hash browns. Then I fell asleep on the couch anyway. I don't know why I feel sick!? I eat until I hurt. I just eat and eat. Why?

It is way to hot to go for a walk. I am overwhelmed in the work I have to do, paperwork...3 projects....Sewing. I need the money. Eating didn't answer any of these problems tho. It actually compounded them cause now I feel even sicker. These are just everyday normal problems. Everyone has them. I want to move on with my life. Why don't I?

I am putting on weight. I am in such pain all the time because of my weight. I am in pain trying to pretend I am OK. I AM NOT OK. I have mental pain that I make into physical pain. I must stop. I must stop.

There is a lot of info out right now on pain. Michael Jackson did surgeries and drugs to kill his pain. Elvis did drugs and ate his pain away. What do you do with pain?

Put it in a box and sink it in a lake.

I will be better next time I write.

Take it when you can get it

Whew...I am very proud of myself!! I worked today, panicked several times, thinking I forgot something or I screwed something up, felling like I did something wrong. I didn't. Just negative chatter in my head and bad words I heard a lifetime ago. I made it tho. I survived, and I even helped out at a branch. I stayed in the back, but I worked my butt off.

I ate healthy even tho I had to eat on the run. I walked the dog when I got home. I didn't walk nearly as far as I normally do...I flat out didn't want to go. It's just a walk...Do it. I am sooo tired and overwhelmed from being out, but I told myself all day today how much easier everything is if you are thinner, healthier. Sitting behind the wheel of a van, sitting at a desk, going to the bathroom, finding cloths to wear to work...everything is easier if you are not huge.

I did good today!! I did good today!!

Thank you

Kisses

I am trying as hard as I can

That is all anyone can ask of themselves or anyone else for that matter. Try as hard as you can. I am trying to focus writing this on weight loss and being positive. Yaw, I failed. I haven't been able to write because I have been letting the negative chatter get the best of me.

I want to work. I like to work. I have been a hard worker my whole life. I like physical, mathematical, creative, fun work. I like digging ditches. I just like to work. I don't know if I can mentally handle the challenge of work. I work 10 hours a week. I become so overwhelmed everyday after work from pretending to be....what....sane?.....I am not that different from other people.....happy?.....I am pretty happy....maybe I am not pretending.....I have anxiety....some days very severe. I need to shut up in my bedroom and sleep....sometimes for 4 hours after work....I just start hurting, all over, my muscles, my brain, everything. I sleep... and when I wake up I am OK. I usually can go to sleep that night no problem. I need to stop trying to be my old self. I think that person is gone. Maybe I need to be OK with the new one. I am still funny. I still like the outdoors.

I have to leave the grocery store quick so I can breath. Is that a bad thing? I like to drive...I always have. I have to, no, I will stop comparing myself to myself. I am jaded. It's OK. I am who I am. I have anxiety. I will do the best I can. I will look people in the eye and smile...big. Most are more screwed up than I am.

I will eat the best I can. I read on MSN front page today about a man who lost 400 lbs in 2 years. He had a personal trainer and he taught him to watch what he ate every other day, in the beginning...It would of been to overwhelming to think you could never have ice cream again.
My goal is to walk every other day.....To eat really good every other day, at least.

I will think of the positive and do the best I can. Just breath. Just breath. (Great Drew Barrymore line)

Kisses

I am full

I am full!! Its worth repeating. I am full!! I had an incredible experience today. I had the privilege of going to a textile art show today. I went with 5 of my friends. One of my friends was brought back to a time growing up. I saw her grow and swell with pride. I have never seen this in her before. She was proud of her heritage and who she came from. The other women I went with didn't get it completely. They did.... in various stages and depths. But not completely. It was one of the most emotional, thought provoking exhibits I have had the privilege to see. There was a movie about the artists and then Q & A with 5 of the artists. There was a man there that fought for these artists and their work to be seen. I admired him so much. He went against the grain for what he believed in. I admired them all so much. They had a faith that was so strong and so alive. They have so little materially and so much spiritually. Amazing, strong, humble, beautiful, women. I don't know what I admired more the art or the artist. Awesome! When we walked out of the museum there was a breeze...we both felt it....we both commented on it.....it was different....it felt awesome. There is nothing more beautiful than the simplicity of creation and strength.

We all went to lunch 1st. M y blood sugar dropped bad. I ate a banana from a restaurant and was fine. I made a decent choice for lunch, we ordered 2 deserts and 5 forks. When I came home I found myself wanting to eat because that is what I do. But I feel full!! Gee... does this mean I am an emotional eater. Ha LOL I am craving good stuff tho.

I am blessed. I am happy. I am content.

Happy to be here

Hi,

I am sooo happy to be back. Crazy things have been happening. I needed to refocus my life. Keeping it focused on the positive.

One of my main focuses and thus the reason for this blog is to loose weight. After all it is just weight! I have decided I want to get healthy no matter how crazy my life is going to get, I have discovered I feel better when I eat healthier. I have been doing a lot of research on eating RAW. Interesting concept. It sounds very healthy. I LOVE meat tho. What a dilemma. So I am going to do the best I can!

I watched a great video called "The beautiful Truth." A young boy from Alaska (which I have always wanted to visit!) went on a journey to see if cancer could be cured naturally. It appears it can! Thru juicing and very healthy eating.

Then I read a book by Carol Alt-gorgeous model from the 70's and 80's. She eats only RAW, she even eats meat...very interesting.

I am trying to focus on veggies. I am reading 2 cookbooks on eating RAW and 1 on gluten free sugar free.

I got too hot and too hungry today so I ate chocolate malted milk balls. But.....I ate a bunch of cherries also. The cherries were actually better that the chocolate. WHO AM I, WHO SAID THAT?!? What a concept.

I also have questions I need answered.....

I just love
Kisses

Just keep trying

Hi,

What a day!? Very mellow and confusing. I started out tired. That is sooo never good for me. I had nightmares most of the night. I woke up at least 4 times. So then I slept in and didn't get the things I needed to get done, done.

I ate egg whites with cheese and sausage patties. I let myself get hungry after that. I will do better on that one. I ate lots of fruit today tho. Fried chicken, ice cream, I found some gluten free choc chip cookies....so I ate 4 of them....crazy!!

I walked in place and did crunches, drank water and breathed. I will get better at this! I will get better at this!

I believe, and it was backed up by a friend, that.... a person is interested in me. I have no idea how to figure this out. It makes me feel kind of sick. Why would someone be interested in me? I have no idea how I feel about him. He is very kind and nice. He takes very good care of the people around him. Sooo opposite of anyone I have ever been interested in. Ha! I just don't know how to handle it.

Kisses

Happy Sunday

Hi,

Nice day today! Me and a friend went to visit some other friends in another congregation. It was in a very small town. I could live there in a heart beat. I like small towns. It was such a refreshing day. We went to breakfast and wandered around town, ate and ice cream and sat by a river. Water is so refreshing! I had a moment or 2 of panic and not being able to calm down. The ice cream helped. Fat calms me down. I need to find another way to do it. Maybe a walk by the river would of been better. I dealt with it tho.

My friend has been working on getting healthy for over a year now. She has lost over 30 pounds. HA........ she said I inspired her. I have not lost any weight. I am working on it tho. I have not gained any weight. I was gaining about 5 pounds a year. Not a lot of weight....In 11 years it has been over 40 pounds. My goal is to eat veggies everyday this week! That is very doable! Is that a word?

I am walking in place during commercials. I am moving! I am breathing! I am successful! Moving is key for me!! I want to make a new dress. It is amazing the feeling of power and control and well being I can have. It is either all or nothing. I have 2 speeds. On of Off. Lets choose On.

I feel good, I feel love, nice!

Kisses

Be prepared and forgetful is all good!

Dear Me,

Cause it's all about me ;) I have walked every other day this week. WOO HOO I am happy! 3/4 of a mile each time. You go girl.

I have an opportunity for a 2nd position at work that I am capable of doing. It is in off hours, I won't have to deal with many people at all. I am praying like crazy. If I can do the job and it is right for me. I am very grateful for this opportunity. I followed my instinct. I mentioned a mathematical way of looking at it to a fellow worker. I wanted to go talk to the boss. The fellow worked discouraged me to do so. I felt in my heart and or gut that I should go ask the boss. I waited until it was welling up in me and I called my boss. Because of the call and the honesty and dignity I showed when I was refused by my boss, I got a call back the next day to go ahead and apply. They are able to make an exception. I am honored to have been considered. Thank you. I believe it is because I try to treat people nice. I understand both sides of the issue. There are other applicants! But I got the chance. Nice!!

I saw the Crazy Dr on Thursday. Tough session. We are doing job consoling. Ouch. I was so overwhelmed with statements that I needed to check if they applied to me. I know who I used to be and who I want to be. I so don't know who I am now! She told me it's OK to say "no, not right now, I don't want to do that kind of work right now. Nothing is forever. It all can change. Maybe later." Whew what a relief. That took so much self imposed pressure off me.

When I left the office is when my boss called me and said I could apply. I had to get the app in that afternoon tho cause I was booked the rest of the week. I was driving around in circles. I couldn't go home yet and I couldn't figure out what to do. I tried to go to the store and get ice cream. HA I didn't have my wallet with me. I remembered the choc pudding in the fridge. YES!! IT IS SUGAR FREE!! It is made with tofu. Substitution. That is key. Well, and being prepared. I ate a good lunch, filled out the app, babysat a friends kids, WALKED, and watched the "Wizard of Oz." I felt good because I did good!

Friday: I was with some friends in the morning. Very fun. We went to breakfast for a break. Then went and saw a friend who is in adult foster care. She is an encouragement. Very strong and speaks her mind! I sat in the car and talked to a friend for a couple of hours. I drank ice tea with caffeine and I didn't eat at a regular time. I could not get my blood sugar to regulate and my heart was crazy. Wow caffeine is not that good for me anymore. I used to love the buzz. Now, not so much!

Saturday: Didn't do a whole lot. When I woke up my eye was swollen shut. I think I got a spider bite or something. Ouch it hurts! Walked 3/4 mile. Way to go, I felt so much better after!

I am off. Kisses

What do you do with pain?

I am glad to be here!! I walked last night. Yeah!! I ate a healthy dinner after. Lean hamburger patty with cheese and broccoli, It was sooo good and satisfying!! Yeah!! "Baby steps Bob" (from the movie"What about Bob") I slept really great. Awesome dreams, they are so vivid and colorful and nonsensical. Fun.

Work was crazy....A girl I work with asked me if I would ever move back to my home state if I loose my house. I had told her about my past before. I don't think she remembered. When I told her a couple of things as to why I could never go back. She put her hands over her ears and shook her head and closed her eyes. I didn't mean to freak her out. I thought she knew. I was alone the rest of the morning in a quiet room. I sobbed all morning. The other girl came in and put music on...I still sobbed to myself. I went to the break room to nuke a snack from home. Tortilla and Jalapeno chs. Nummy!! There were chocolate truffles, they were yelling at me to eat them, they were coffee, I don't even like coffee!! I ate 10 of them at least. I have a friend who says she can eat 2 1/2 of them cause they are so rich. I forced my self to walk away. I am now wondering if I hurry my key pass to get in the door is good until 2.00. I am in such pain! I have felt sick since I talked to her. Life was so much easier when I was numb. Why am I doing this journey? Oh, yes, because I am so fat I am going to die. Ah, that is not a good enough reason. Why am I on this journey. The pain is intense! What can I do with the pain besides eat my self into a stooper. I have done that for years and it is not working anymore. Focus. On what? I don't know anything anymore.

I hope I walk today.

I am going to curl up under the covers and look at pictures in books on homes. I love to build things. Make things. Construct things. I wish I could afford to turn the heat on.

I love you! Who? I don't know.

Kisses

Keeping positive

Hi,

I just realized the "Mom" that gave me the oranges, is the Mom to one of my role models. Huh! My Crazy Dr asked me to list 5 role models and why they are so. It was a very good exercise!!

Speaking of exercising....great segway!....I have been putting an effort out to walk again. After all I am writing to try and help myself get healthy! I took my dog to the track on Saturday. I walk around and use one of those ball chucker things to throw a tennis ball in the middle, on the grass for him to get. We both stopped and rested in the shade each time around. He was wheezing worse than I was. Ha Ha. He does a mile to my 1/4. I went a mile and made myself stop. I was getting slightly chilled. Which is crazy....cause I like to be cold. This virus has taken it's toll! Anywho...I felt pretty good after.

I have had this idea....several places I have worked there have been some very large people there. I always felt really bad for them. They look so uncomfortable. I heard a stat that over 75% of obese women have been abused. We are trying to eat our way to safety. Funny, tho I can look at them and want to help them. I don't much care about my health. It actually scares me to get healthy. But I have to! There are no old fat women, they are all dead! Anyway..... back to the people I worked with...I always wanted to just say "come on lets go for a walk, I'll help you." Well, Sunday at my meeting I asked one of my friends if we could walk together. She was so excited. She is a big girl. She has a ruff life. She has a great manner to her, she is quiet, strong and kind. She has been trying really hard to get strong! I really appreciate her and her struggle. So we are going to walk every day during the week.

I heard last night that my ex-brother-in-law died on Friday. Hard drugs and alcohol in his past. I had to call his Dad today to tell him I will try so hard to pay him back the money I borrowed to get the mortgage caught up and take a class a couple of months ago. I was to pay him back starting in March. I got sick and couldn't finish the class. I haven't been able to get a job, so....He was very nice and understanding and told me to get myself set financially first. He sounded so devastated about his 2nd child to die. They are having 2 funerals for him. They didn't go to the funeral of my ex's. Hmm

Friday is for Oranges

Friday 24th

I have been excited to write this. This is an amazing day that has changed my life!

I woke up with the most horrible song in my head. I have no idea when I even heard it. I always shut it off! "She f**** hates me, blah blah blah, she f**** hates me" I was appalled and even offended that this is in my head! Get out! I just laid in bed crying. I felt so abandoned and unloved, unworthy of love. Where is this coming from? I felt like Jehovah didn't love me or want me in his organization. Maybe I am just to stubborn to leave!? I feel lost. I started to pray, I know these voices are the ones that have been screamed at me in my past. I know they are illogical. I know they are wrong. But I need something tangible to prove, to show, to feel, that Jehovah accepts me, loves me. I asked him to send someone to come and see me, not from my congregation, someone who obviously has been here, but not for a long time, someone to give me something, not money, something from the heart, something out of love, something....knock...knock...I hear my front door. Wow, I think, I didn't even get to the "in Jesus name, Amen" part. I have a chill, I grab my robe. Open the door...there is no one there...there is a bag on the ground....bummer! is my first thought. It could of been one of my neighbors. I step out on the front step and see a white car. I smile and wave, it is the mom of one of my very good friends. She is just in my neighborhood, all the way across town from hers! She has a Bible study that moved over here. She knows I have been really sick for a ridiculous amount of time. She brought me oranges and a grapefruit. I am moved to tears! I curl up on the couch with her. She is so encouraging! She has such a love for Jehovah and is so loyal. I tell her my prayer. She just replies "My kids always hated when I told them you can hear Jehovah talking to you, out in service, but you can!"

Words will never be able to explain this feeling. I have something to hang on to. I have an orange! Jehovah gave the rainbow as a promise that he will never destroy the earth again by flood. He gave me an orange to show his love for me! I had promised him in the prayer that I would never allow those feeling to overtake me again. If I could have something real, to hold, to look at, I will force the thoughts away when they come back. I have to live by that promise! I have a rainbow and an orange! WOW

I got up and showered and went out in service for an hour. I am still not feeling well, plus I started my period a week early, totally unprepared. Explains allot in the emotion department, hey? I went out for an hour in service and breathed, just breathed.

So many kisses I can't number them!

Thursday is the Crazy Dr

Thursday 20th

I went to the Crazy Dr today. I whined for a full hour. I think I am going to loose my house. I have worked my butt off to buy a house. The story of how I got it was amazing. I just have to tell you this story. I was working in an industry that dealt with death certificates and legal matters. This couple came in to deal with the death of his mom. I worked with them for about an hour. All during this time I am having a fight in my mind. It is the loudest voice (not literally, but you know what I mean) I have ever heard. "Ask them what they are going to do with the house?" "NO" I say to me! I had been actively searching for a home for 4 years, I had keys to houses, I had trimmed rose bushes on other homes...they all fell thru. I could not take the let down again. No way. That little voice comes in again "Ask them!" "NO" "ASK THEM!!" "FINE" I get all done, put all the paper away. The couple is looking at me like 'can we go?' I reached over the table and touched her hand, she had been crying off and on. "I have a question to ask you" they looked very concerned and puzzled. "This has nothing to do with this business, it is all me personally" I say. "If I offend you I will apologize in advance, I don't want to." "OK" they say "go ahead, ask." I swallowed and asked "What are you going to do with her house?" Without missing a beat they say "Sell it to you." I smiled and said "OK, but I can't afford more than $85,000.00" She looked at him, he just nodded, he was a big kind gentle man of few words. "OK, sold, but don't you think you should see it first?" they smiled and laughed. I told them I would drive by on my lunch, I needed to go as soon as they left. They agreed and said "you have our number."

I drove thru Wendy's and got a salad. I would be able to tell by the neighborhood if it would work or not. I pull up in front. There they are in the doorway smiling and waving. They were so cute. I remember thinking that. They were so excited for me to see the house. I walked in the front door and just started tearing up. I am home! That was all I could think and say to them. They left me a little duck magnet that said "Agnes's Kitchen" on it. They asked me to keep her phone number. I did for years. They drove by several times. I told them they can come in anytime. They never did.

They got a realtor, because it was an estate. Normally the buyer and the seller never sit down together. We did several times. I came and had lunch in the house with them a couple of times before we closed. They were so kind. I kept apologizing for being so happy and they were in such pain. We kept arguing over paying things, we each wanted to pay them not to put a burden on the other one. The realtor would step in and say who legally had to pay it. The inspection went great!! One problem. There was not a vapor barrier under the house. I had put $50 down on the earnest money. It was all I had to spare. I said I would see if I could talk one of my friends into going under the house to do it. I don't do spiders! The realtor was walking an empty warehouse. Looking to list it. He asked the owner "What is that in the corner?" The owner responded "Oh some plastic vapor barrier, I need to get someone to get rid of it for me." He gave it to the realtor for free if he hauled it away. The realtor paid out of his pocket to have it installed under the house. He said he had never had the privilege of working on such a great transaction before. He said he will remember it forever. I saw him years later, and he did!

I stopped into the woman's place of work a year or so later. She had died of cancer. I cried.

Anyway after telling this long beautiful story to the Crazy Dr and whining for the full hour about how I don't want to loose my house, my home, the only safe place I have ever had. She looked at me and smiled, "You said you like it blunt and to the point." "Yes" I replied "I do!"
"Well you have 2 choices........1....Materialistic-go get a job to the detriment to your health and spirituality or ...........2..........Spirituality-go in the door to door work & take care of your health. Get yourself better and grow. Do the correct work or job. OK times up!" (She said it better than I just did, but you get the feel of it) How profound-times up-WOW She is so right. I can't do anything about it. I can't get a job. I am not capable right now. I can barely do what I am doing. I will keep trying but I can only do what I can do. This is so hard for me to admit. I have always been so tough. Just do it. Yah that aint happenin!! I can only chose Spirituality. That is were the real life is anyway!

I went to DQ...at least it wasn't a half gallon!! Went to a RV dealership to see what it would cost to get in a cheap one so I at least have a place to live. Pretty mind numbing to say the least.

I went upstairs and watched Phantom of the Opera and cried all day.

I will write about Friday tomorrow. It was amazing and sooo faith strengthening!!

Kisses

Getting caught up

Hello, It really has been awhile. I will catch you up briefly. I had laptop problems and major emotional problems. I went back to work...I have been only work 10 hours a week for about 9-10 months. There are weeks that it just about kills me. I have even been on a light duty since I got sick. I work with mostly women. It is physical work, my brain is not working correctly right now to be doing brain work or in contact with a lot of people. I stress out pretty easy and make myself sick. I started back doing my job on the 20th. I panicked a few times, I think I am lost or don't know where I am. I talk myself down and continue on. It is tiring!!

I have had some friends stop by to encourage me. I have great friends!! I hope I can get back to the point were I can be helpful again. One thing I am doing to help me feel better is giving cards or telling people how much they mean to me, how much I appreciate them. I feel good doing that! I had some over for a meal after the Sunday meeting. It was the worst meal I ever cooked. It was funny. What're you gunna to do?

I have missed a few job opportunities. I am very limited in what I can do mentally, it is hard to find something I think I can do. They are sooo kind to me at my current job. I tell them all the time. I really appreciate that. They are very patient!

I have had a goal this year to read the entire Bible. I have a great chart that I follow and check off the box when I am done. I got behind on that also. This being sick is for the birds!! This is a great reason to eat healthy. I would read a chapter then walk in place for a minute, read, walk, read, walk. What a great way to start out slow. You have to be creative!!

Well this gets me pretty caught up. Some pretty amazing things are coming up tho....

Ugh

I have struggled all weekend. I had a great spiritual weekend planned. One of my friends had this huge repeated drama going on. It is so frustrating to talk to someone, help them and they just keep doing the same thing over and over again. That is the definition of insanity. This has been going on for years, literally! I missed my weekend and became so sick physically and mentally. I am sooo struggling. I can't get my mind to stop circling. I am not capable of helping like this any more. I didn't eat a bunch. I didn't move at all tho. I don't even feel like blogging. I don't feel like I have progressed at all mentally. I just want to stay in my little house. Which, by the way I did not make the mortgage payment this month. I did pay my bills tho. I am so exhausted.

Only one "kiss" tonite!

Big decisions

I ate not so well today. I am so tired I can't see straight. I went back to the agency to get help with my heating bill. I am so grateful, it is hard for me to deal with it. If one of my renters goes back they will help with another $125. I have to ask him! Whew! I am $80 short to pay my mortgage or I can pay all my bills, lights, heat , water, trash. I have disconnect on them all. I have no idea what to do. Indecision is new for me, well relatively. I fell asleep twice today for hours each time. My head is still totally plugged. I can't hear. When I bend down it is like I have been swimming. Or maybe it is my brain sloshing.

I had about 3 hours today were I had a lot of energy. I did dishes and started to clean up from my upstairs renter. It will take me hours. I should of walked during that energy time. I did not and I crashed and burned after and slept. I thought of taking care of my house, I just ran out of energy. I can't wait until my health is back and my brain. Ha

Jehovah please show me the way, I am .......confused, afraid, exhausted, in pain.

Kisses

It's been a long day

I am tired! I have had things to do today. Emotional things. They make me tired. I went to the Crazy Dr. It's good to be crazy!! Can I be close?!?

After I had to run an errand and then go home and eat. My throat hurt, my head hurt, I am whining. I don't like myself when I am negative and complaining. Ick. I then ran out to get an agency to help me pay for my gas to heat my house. I have a really hard time accepting charity. I am grateful...don't get me wrong...it is just hard to admit I can't take care of myself right now. UGH!! I walked in the door and recognized the girl behind the counter, I immediately asked her were I knew her from...I can't even pretend to know these things...I used to work with her. She was very nice, I don't think she was happy with her job...she quit.....maybe she was a little bitter...I don't know. I remember I always smiled and was nice to her...I wanted her to feel comfortable....I think she was helping her mom out a lot...something...I tried to treat her with dignity and respect. We all deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. I was very glad I did. It was good talking to her. She was very kind and helpful. Once again...you just don't treat people badly!! It always comes back. It made the situation that I was in today so much easier. I am grateful for that. Thru all of this "stuff" , emotional, draining, mind numbing "stuff" I just kept getting more and more tired. I ate chocolate...3 little Hershey bars...you know...they melted in my mouth...oh ecstasy...It has been a while...All of a sudden I wake up in the little store holding a candy bar and a chocolate ice cream bar....well at least it wasn't the 1/2 gallon of ice cream...take the small concessions were you can get them! Half hour later I feel sick. Why? Hmmm? I wonder....could it be...? I went and curled up with the dog and layed down. I didn't even fall asleep. I just layed there and prayed. I love to pray! It is very calming. I wish I would of done that sooner. I feel better. I need, crave, demand, deserve, enjoy peace and quiet.

Tonite is the memorial of Christ's death. 1,976 years ago, Jesus died so I could have the privilege of living on the earth, in paradise, forever. I am in awe!!

Kisses

It is time to work on my own house!

My crazy Dr tells me "it is time to work on my house!" Or me. I have done construction on my literal house to make a couple of rentals to help support myself. I am having a hard time supporting myself now, I have issues ;) to say the least. Abuse at times takes it toll. I am trying really hard to let things go that are negative. Keep the bad words that were screamed at me out of my head. It is very interesting tho how if given enough time or I should say, I allow myself to go into Jehovah's time table, things are always straightened out. I received some news late last night that was very emotional and confusing. It also was, strange enough, a release for me. I know some things that I was blamed for are not my fault! What I was told was wrong! I was so confused emotionally last night, I can't even tell you! I wanted chocolate so bad. It was late tho. I can't go to the store, I would of a couple of months ago. Ben and Jerry are my very close companions. I can't get chilled. I feel so sick when I do. I drank a huge glass of juice, made popcorn, and ate a piece of fish. My stomach was miserable, it now matched my mind and body. I was in such pain physically and mentally. I went to bed. Whew.

Today I am saddened still by the news. I am OK tho. Really glad I didn't eat chocolate, I feel sick from the virus, not from chocolate. The world did not stop because I didn't eat chocolate until I popped. All I would of done was hurt "my house". "My house" has one less nightmare in it, it has been released from one claim that it was all my fault, a little less guilt and a lot less chocolate. The more info comes in the freer (is that a word) I am.

I will focus on healthy food and a walk for the rest of the day.

Kisses

Stupid little voice

Stupid little voice. I went for about a 15 walk. I had such a headache when I started. I felt miserable, my lungs hurt, my head is so plugged I couldn't hear the cars aiming at me at the intersections. Then something funny happened. I see a woman walking who looks as miserable as I feel. She smokes, I can tell. She could hardly make eye contact. I smiled really big and said "Hi" very audibly. She bit her nail and mumbled "hi". After I smiled at her I noticed all the birds singing, the blooms on the trees, people cutting their lawn, the flowers everywhere! OMG this is gorgeous! I started talking to Jehovah. His creation is so great! I feel good. I stopped and talked to a couple of neighbors. I love my neighborhood. I am sooo glad I walked! When I got home I had to rest a few minutes. Kind of chilled and slight headache. This virus has got to go away! I will walk it out. Ha Ha listen how strong I am after a 15 min walk. I love my little voice!!

Kisses

Halfsies?

weight 255 am
I learned something yesterday, well, several things. I had a running inner dialog going for quite some time. I noticed the other day that I am craving red pepper flakes, you know the kind that goes on pizza....ah pizza....doesn't just the sound of the word make you want to have some...OK..once a month I will have pizza! Any way...after work I wanted to eat some of the really spicy chili that I made. It feels good on my lungs. I know...whatever...sooo on the way home I stopped and got some chili spice Fritos. A small bag. I was going to only put half the bag on the plate and then the chili...I put the whole bag on...NO DESIREE DON'T DO IT!!! I didn't listen.. This is a positive inner voice, why aren't I listening or obeying it? I rationalize....I will only eat 1/2 the plate...this way for dinner all I have to do is nuke it. I scrape (and I mean every drop) 1/2 of it in a bowl... I take the bowl and the plate to the dining room. Well the window was open in the kitchen, I didn't want the food just sitting on the counter, in the wind....are you kidding!?! I finish the bowl of chips and chili. Wow this feels good on my head and lungs...hmm I am feeling perfect. Just the right full. Triumph. Now just go put the plate in the fridge...OK ...that one little chip that is sticking out from the rest, all alone, poor thing! Oh another one came with it. OK...BOOM the plate is empty. I feel sick to my stomach, well, because I have been sick....you know that....it's not because I just ate 2 meals worth of food with the fat content to feed a small country.

Today I will listen to that wise voice. That voice also tells me to go for a walk....today....later....FINE I will go now !

Kisses

Tired?

Have you ever noticed you eat way more when you are tired? All I really need to do is rest. Force my brain to be quiet and go to bed!

Kisses

Welcome

I am a newbie to blogging, but I have something to say. I have a lot to say!
This is for me. I need to send some things out to the world. I love the world. There is so much good in the world. I need and want to keep looking for the good! I don't want to judge! I don't know what anyone else's journey is all about. I am just trying to figuring out my journey.

I want to start with weight! Ah weight! I love it, I hate it, I ignore it and obsess about it. I weigh 265, well... no I don't! I have lost 10 lbs. I have been very sick with a viral bronchial something. 10 lbs in 2 months! Ha I'll take it. What a way to go....So I weigh 255 lbs, 5'4" tall. Almost 50. Blood pressure is at times off the charts. I need to loose weight for my health! I am almost diabetic...Blah Blah Blah...Growing up I was thin, very active, running every place I went. Always outside! Winter or Summer. I love creation!! Awesome!!

I gained most of my weight in one year, well 70 lbs of it anyway. I just couldn't take life any more. My husband was a raging alcoholic. He was a yelling, screaming, breaking anything in his way, hole in the wall punching abusive person. I, at the time felt that I didn't have any support. I felt so alone. Those I turned to didn't believe me. He was such a good speaker and praised me so much in public...Isn't she beautiful? She is so intelligent, she is running her own business, she is such a great mom....blah...blah...blah! In private I was too stupid to tie my own shoes...how did I ever survive before I met him! He saved my life. So he kept telling me. I thought my name was "fat f****ing b****" Oh did I say at this time I weighed about 140. I looked good!! I look back at the pictures I looked REAL GOOD!! Idiot!! I mean me and him. Enough about him. He is`dead. He died a very painful horrible death. He got out of jail for his 5th or 6th DUI in 10 years, told his brother he was going to drink as much as humanly possible before he had to go back to jail for another DUI, then quit drinking for good! For sure this time. He drank himself to death. Literally. I am very grateful he verbalized his intentions. The guilt is all his. No friend, girlfriend, family member, child or ex wife has any guilt at all.

Now it is my time! My psychologist aka "crazy Dr" wants me to journal. I have been working very hard for a year now to get in touch with my feelings. What a journey!! I have had a tough life...I have PTSD because of it. So.... this is how I am going to journal.

I checked out several books from the library on gluten free and sugar free cooking. Don't ya just love the public library?? I can become anything I want...I digress... She suggests to substitute instead of deny. I like this thinking. I have a goal of walking also. I need to start very slow. I have been very sick.

This is a little of my background and a little of my goals. I haven't even started on the dreams...
Join me on the journey.

Kisses